it is what it is.

But if I don't feel like it is? 
I want to be *over* this so badly! I don't get why I can't be! I don't get it! I just don't. 
I'm so stuck on this. But I'm tired of crying. Of not knowing what's going on, what I am, what this whole thing really is. I need to get this straightened. 

i was only looking for a shortcut home
but it’s complicated
so complicated
somewhere in this city is a road i know
where we could make it
but maybe there’s no making it now

too long we’ve been denying
now we’re both tired of trying
we hit a wall and we can’t get over it
nothing to relive
it’s water under the bridge
you said it, i get it
i guess it is what it is

i was only trying to bury the pain
but i made you cry and i can’t stop the crying
was only trying to save me
but i lost you again
now there’s only lying
wish i could say it’s only me

too long we’ve been denying
now we’re both tired of trying
we hit a wall and we can’t get over it
nothing to relive
it’s water under the bridge
you said it, i get it
i guess it is what it i

here it comes ready or not
we both found out it’s not how we thought
that it would be, how it would be
if the time could turn us around
what once was lost may be found
for you and me, for you and me

too long we’ve been denying
now we’re both tired of trying
we hit a wall and we can’t get over it
nothing to relive
it’s water under the bridge
you said it, i get it
i guess it is what it is

i was only looking for a shortcut home
but it’s complicated
so complicated

Second Chance. This is what I mean.

My eyes are open wide
By the way I made it through the day
I watch the world outside
By the way I'm leaving out today

I just saw Haley's Comet, she waved
Said, "Why are you always running in place?"
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Tell my mother, tell my father I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Please don't cry one tear for me
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it's only for today

I just saw Haley's Comet, she waved
Said, "Why are you always running in place?"
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"

Tell my mother, tell my father I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Here is my chance
This is my chance

Tell my mother, tell my father I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

When your mind is made up...

 Things change.
You get vision. You can work out a plan.
 When you make up your mind, there's a reason for all that you do.
Nothing is done without careful thought and planning. In fact, even the words you speak are with purpose and direction.
It's really a different way to live. ;)

Why the hell is it so damn hard to write a resume?
I feel like I'm selling myself. I know that's actually what I'm trying to do... it just becomes hard to fit myself into a mold... I don't like selling myself. I'm not an object. I'm a person. I'm much more that "the job"... yet, when applying, that's all that really matters. And I know I have the skills for this. I know this would be an amazing fit for me. How to get that on paper *eloquently* is the problem. 

I mean, they're looking for "highly motivated individual....exceeded in ...." when I just  want to say, "I've worked with management systems, am good at thinking on my feet, am very organized, and can work with little supervision."  

Actually... why *can't* I just say that?
Hmm. Roadblock overcome?

This is it.

 More things I'm sure of:

1. No matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough for my dad.
2. No matter what I do (or NOT do, as the case may be)... I'll still be the one to blame.
3. I don't trust easily... I'm always expecting to get hurt. 
4. A house isn't a home. 
5. Calling a house a home won't make it one.
6. Neither will furnishing it with material objects that give it a homey feel.
7. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but bones will heal.
8. Words do hurt. The kind of wound that stays forever.
9. There are some voids nothing can fill.
10. No one but you really understands all of what you're going through.
11. The happier a person seems, the more broken they may be inside.
12. I can focus on the positive as much as I want.
13. Doing that is like holding back a flood with a faulty dam - eventually it cracks.
14. Dams can be fixed.
15. Fixed doesn't mean it's perfect.
16. I know I can change this... I just don't know how. 
17. There's gotta be a way out. 
18. I made a plan... I think I've worked out all the details.
19. I'm disgustingly scared of it failing.
20. I can't wait to try.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained

oh man...


Well then...

It's been a while.
And ouch... I'd forgotten I stopped writing when life went a little differently than planned. I got quite lost... and I'm now finding my way back... slowly but surely.

Anyways.
I don't mean to be all melancholy and what-not. That's really not me. And I don't really want to reflect on what I did, cause that was never the point of this journal. More, it's about what's on my mind at the moment. So that's where we'll go. And yes, I will be drawing on what has happened in my life so far. After all, experiences shape who you become - the extent to which they do is up to you. This means, you can climb and get stronger, or stay put and never know.  You fall, and this either breaks you, or you dust yourself off, look back on what you did wrong, and try again - this time, a different approach. 

And I just went all deep and philosophical on you. haha!

Moving on.
*le sigh*

It is nearing midnight. The day is almost over. This is where I stand:

1.  I've wasted a lot of time. It's not something I'm proud of. I'd actually rather no one knew that I have. This is because I say I can't decide, when the truth is, I don't like choosing because it means it's set in stone. Lame, really. I'd rather not pick because I'm scared of commitment. Hey, I never said I don't have issues. 
  Here's the clincher: It gets old eventually. So I decided (yes, decided) to stop clowning around. I'm finishing what I start. From savings plans, to folding my laundry, to school. Step One.

2. I've come to know love. And hurt. Acceptance... rejection. I get it. Song of Songs 3:5 says, "Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe -- and you're ready." The thing is, the version I always read said, "Don't awaken love until it desires."  So I didn't. And this time, it desired. Love hit me like a paradox. What do I mean? Well, yes, it happened like a ton of bricks - quickly and strongly. But it also happened like the rising sun... steadily and softly. Warming... soothing... beautiful in its approach.  And I let it do what it willed. I fell hard for the first time in my life.
Was I ready? Maybe. I think so. Was the time ripe? Nope. Of that much I'm sure. Two weeks together is not enough to build a relationship on. Not when your focus isn't solely on the other person. So we came back, it worked for a bit... and then a whole wack of hurt came into the equation. I still miss him a lot. To be honest, if we had the chance to try again the right way, and he wanted to, I'd be all in.
My biggest regret, is that I'm sure I hurt him too - not that I meant to. But how do you say sorry when you know neither of you is really at fault?So you just keep going.. Step Two.

3. God's the one constant. No jokes, not being preachy or whatever. This is what I know. It's pretty lame how I take it for granted. I don't even think about it, really, cause that's how constant he is. This one I just realized on Wednesday. Someone asked me what I feel when I read that He'll never leave me or forsake me, and I answered, "Nothing." It doesn't move me. It just is. It's good to know at least one thing in life will never change.

  • Current Music
    Switchfoot Your Love Is a Song

I am obsessed with High School Musical.

Call me a hopeless feel-good optimist... or a relentless pessimist.... I am wishy-washy.
I am both.
Who wouldn't love to be in a school where the answer to Mr. It and Ms. Not It breaking out of their circles to find themselves is to break out into a so well rehearsed it still looks spontaneous song and dance number in the lunchroom during free period?
Who wouldn't want to be in a school where everyone is so clean and polished, and even the goth kids look happy?
Who wouldn't want to be part of a school where confrontations between the different cliques don't exist and where cat fights are in reality non existent?
Damn Disney.
Cheers to them.
What can I say? Maybe I'm just depressed that my life isn't a little more.... fake. Maybe I'm just scared of admitting that these past few days have me wanting to leave my real circle of friends behind and look for some more... honest and real people. Whether those real people are only a figment of my imagination, I find to be totally irrelevant. I want to dance... I want to sing... I want to live in Disney. I refuse to believe that I am a child at heart, completely in love with the simple things in life, just to have people look down on me and tell me I need to be more mature.
WHAT'S THE POINT????

WHY should I be more serious and why should I lie more and why should I pretend I love you when I really feel like killing you??? Why can't life be just like kindergarten? You would fight and make up and that was the end of it forever! No one held grudges, no one acted awkward because you liked them, no one lied to you and then pretended to be your best friend, no one was anything other than what they were, and everyone loved each other for what they were. And if you didn't, you'd tell someone. They wouldnt take offense... they would just cry about it and keep being your friend... Now it seems you need applications in triplicate and to wait for written approval just to go up to someone and say Hi.
I'm not sorry  I feel the way I do. I'm not sorry I am the way I am. The day I "mature" is the day I'll lose myself.
So cheers to Troy. And Gabi, And Chad, and Tay, and Sharpay, Ryan, Kelsi, Jason, Zeke, and even cheers to the skater dude who plays the gigantic saw. You remind me of the beauty of Kindergarten. And of the kids who stand beside me.
  • Current Music
    HSM - We're All in This Together

I GOT

star wars revenge of the sith: the game! wooo hooo! that should hold me off til the dvd comes out in...NOVEMBER?!?!?!? Christ, I am gonna go crazy! I cant hold off another 5 months! i already held out 3 YEARS! ahhh!

On that note (I told you it was destiny):

You scored as Padme Amidala.

</td>

Padme Amidala

81%

General Grievous

72%

Darth Vader

72%

Anakin Skywalker

67%

R2-D2

64%

Mace Windu

61%

Clone Trooper

50%

Emperor Palpatine

50%

Yoda

47%

C-3PO

44%

Chewbacca

31%

Obi Wan Kenobi

19%

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed

I scored...

somehow i am not surprised... destiny? oh yea baby :D
You scored as Anakin. Oh baby, you picked Anakin! Man this guy is hot, but he has a passion for the dark side and he takes what he wants when he wants it. Agressive Negotiations will be part of your life now, but that has plus sides....in the bedroom perhaps.

</td>

Anakin

100%

Han Solo

89%

Obi-Wan

78%

Luke Skywalker

67%

Chewie

67%

Yoda

56%

Who Is your Star Wars loverrr? (for girls)
created with QuizFarm.com
  • Current Music
    A hero Falls

Hey Guys!

Back from Edmonton, all tired out, but it's all good. I've posted pics, check em out at my website (under links on the left side of this page- scroll down :P) ele has some more on her page. she's linked from my website. I hope ur all doing great. Man those three days were so fun.

highlights:

  • Met Joel (Hillsong United) at West Edmonton Mall - I think we freaked him out by the 5th time lol :D
  • hung out with J.D (Jonathon Douglass- Hillsong United)
  • Talked with Holly (Hillsong United)
  • Scalping tix through the radio and at the door
  • The undescribable Delirious? concert
  • Phil Dooley talking about his friend on the back of the SUV only in bobbettes
  • Session with Joel. The Aussie called us "Winnipegans"
  • Kutless rocking hard at their concert
  • The girl from Lloyd getting everyone to sign her t-shirt. She told me to stop and visit them next year. Unfortunately, neither of us thought about an address...
  • Audio Adrenaline pulling out a cowbell during their concert (haha! SNL - "I need more cowbell!")
  • Grits concert. Hip Hop never sounded so good.
  • Matt Hammitt (Sanctus Real) giving me high 5 during Everything About You 
  • Matt Hammitt giving me thumbs up while singing Alone *shrieks and jumps around all happy*
  • J.D doing the "A" at the Q&A session in front of everyone :D
  • The last United performance when they played All Day - TWICE
  • tobyMac concert: he played Jesus Freaks, In the Light and Gone *sigh*
  • La Lancha (Ever's van) ACTUALLY making it all the way there and back!
  • The msgs written on La Lancha
    -Where's Marty
    -Cowbell
    -Joel I know You
    -Joel loves the Cowbell
    -Raza
    -LA LANCHA
  • Singing Happy Birthday to Eddie at the station in Saskatoon
  • when Jona ran over the semi-dead deer in the middle of the road at around 2 am on the way back
  • when the aforementioned deer's blood ended up covering the whole back bumper of La Lancha
  • stopping to get gas after the aforementioned incident, looking under La Lancha, and finding pieces of deer skin still stuck there
  • La Lancha almost overheating at the same gas station *rolls eyes*
  • omg! the J.D thing Ele and I did on the way back, and then he flopped on his back LOL
  • "RELAX!" - Ever

Ho boy, good times. I could so do that again. road trips are so much fun. Man so crazy.  I'm off to pray for forgiveness for the Joel thing...

AHHHH! JOEL!!! JOEL!!! lol

  • Current Music
    too many :D