It's been a while.
And ouch... I'd forgotten I stopped writing when life went a little differently than planned. I got quite lost... and I'm now finding my way back... slowly but surely.
I don't mean to be all melancholy and what-not. That's really not me. And I don't really want to reflect on what I did, cause that was never the point of this journal. More, it's about what's on my mind at the moment. So that's where we'll go. And yes, I will be drawing on what has happened in my life so far. After all, experiences shape who you become - the extent to which they do is up to you. This means, you can climb and get stronger, or stay put and never know. You fall, and this either breaks you, or you dust yourself off, look back on what you did wrong, and try again - this time, a different approach.
And I just went all deep and philosophical on you. haha!
It is nearing midnight. The day is almost over. This is where I stand:
1. I've wasted a lot of time. It's not something I'm proud of. I'd actually rather no one knew that I have. This is because I say I can't decide, when the truth is, I don't like choosing because it means it's set in stone. Lame, really. I'd rather not pick because I'm scared of commitment. Hey, I never said I don't have issues.
Here's the clincher: It gets old eventually. So I decided (yes, decided) to stop clowning around. I'm finishing what I start. From savings plans, to folding my laundry, to school. Step One.
2. I've come to know love. And hurt. Acceptance... rejection. I get it. Song of Songs 3:5 says, "Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe -- and you're ready." The thing is, the version I always read said, "Don't awaken love until it desires." So I didn't. And this time, it desired. Love hit me like a paradox. What do I mean? Well, yes, it happened like a ton of bricks - quickly and strongly. But it also happened like the rising sun... steadily and softly. Warming... soothing... beautiful in its approach. And I let it do what it willed. I fell hard for the first time in my life.
Was I ready? Maybe. I think so. Was the time ripe? Nope. Of that much I'm sure. Two weeks together is not enough to build a relationship on. Not when your focus isn't solely on the other person. So we came back, it worked for a bit... and then a whole wack of hurt came into the equation. I still miss him a lot. To be honest, if we had the chance to try again the right way, and he wanted to, I'd be all in.
My biggest regret, is that I'm sure I hurt him too - not that I meant to. But how do you say sorry when you know neither of you is really at fault?So you just keep going.. Step Two.
3. God's the one constant. No jokes, not being preachy or whatever. This is what I know. It's pretty lame how I take it for granted. I don't even think about it, really, cause that's how constant he is. This one I just realized on Wednesday. Someone asked me what I feel when I read that He'll never leave me or forsake me, and I answered, "Nothing." It doesn't move me. It just is. It's good to know at least one thing in life will never change.